you'll get there

This is my current desktop wallpaper (found via designlovefest of course).  It calms me.  Ever since graduating, I've been a little hard on myself.  You should be in this place in your life.  You should be creative every minute of everyday.  You should know how to budget better.  Your instagram should be better.  You don't blog enough.  You should have the perfect apartment.  You should have the cutest wardrobe.  You should be living your dream already, dammit! You should, you should, you should...

It's not fair, and I know it.  It doesn't stop me from having these thoughts though.  I know I'll get there eventually.  I know that everyone is on their own path.  My path is completely different than anyone else's.  Mine just happens to be riddled with heaps of self-doubt.  It makes it hard to even want to take a step in any direction some days.  When something good does happen, I almost immediately focus on a small detail that might go wrong, or try to convince myself that I'm undeserving of the opportunity. I'm way too hard on myself.  The funny thing is, I've gotten sooooooo much better the past few years.  But the feelings still crop up sometimes, in more muted versions.  It might not be as bad, but it's still hard.

I know I'm not the only one, but when self-doubt hits, it feels so isolating. Everyone around you looks like they have it all together, or at least enough to handle an off day and bounce back. One thing that always cheers me up is a little treat from a cafe. But now that my wallet is a little malnourished, that just can't be the answer. It can maybe once a week, but not every time I hit a bump in my week.

Last night I had a brilliant idea. I thought--I can bake some muffins! Treats for a week! Yay!! Then I turned on the oven to bake them and consequently heated up the entire apartment in the already 100 degree weather. OY. Sometimes I don't think things through. It's a problem, especially when I'm not feeling my best. The little mistakes then make me feel worse. It's a tedious cycle. I'm trying to be more mindful and remember that it's only human to make mistakes.

Hopefully this post hasn't been too self-indulgent and can be a reminder to those who might also be feeling self-doubt, that you are certainly not alone! Sending my love from the oven currently masquerading as the city of Portland.