different questions for the same thing

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For months (or if I'm completely honest, subconciously for over a year) I've known I'm moving to Portland.  Within the past month, I've decided where. 

Well, just when you think you know something, another question pops up:  What are you going to study?  A close relative to Where are you going to school?, this question creates even more internal conflict and awkwardness (at least in my experience).

The short answer is, I have no freaking clue, so stop bothering me about it. 

The long answer is, I have no freaking clue, but I wish I did, because then I would love for you to keep bothering me about it so I could bore you with an extensive explaination for my decision and hope you asked more questions.  But nope, I have no freaking clue, so stop bothering me about it. 

The practical answer is, I have no freaking clue, but that's okay, because most college students change their majors every other day, so stop bothering me about it.

The honest answer is, I have a clue, but I am nervous about sharing it with you because I feel like you expect something different from me and it makes me want to curl up into a ball and hide from your questions, so stop bothering me about it.

Well, if you haven't already guessed, I am having some trouble telling people what it is I plan on getting into when I start college.  And when I am having trouble confronting something like this, I like to blog about it.  It's like on Glee when a character can't talk about something, they sing about it!  Seems crazy, but I am the same way...except with blogging.  Which is fortunate for you, because you would probably cry if you had to listen to me sing about my feelings. 

So here it goes... 

I want to major in Theatre Design, specifically costume design.

I know what you're thinking, because it's what everyone thinks, and it's the reason why I am so hesitant about admitting this to people who ask that blasted question, What are you going to study?

When people ask me what I am going to study, they go into the question like they already know the answer.  I know this from experience. 

Person:  What are you going to study?
Me:  I'm not sure yet.  Something creative!
Person:  You're going into journalism, right?
Me:  No...  I just... No...
Person:  Oh, so English?
Me:  No...  I like writing and reading, but I don't enjoy writing about what I've read... Which is what English majors do.  All the time.  So... No... Not happening...
Person:  Oh okay, so what are you going to study?
Me:  I have no idea, honestly!  Something creative... I don't... know.  (Curls up into a ball.)

I understand where Person is coming from, and have nothing against Person, (especially because Person is about every person I know or even half-way know) but I still loath the assumptions Person makes.

Yes, I LOVE to write.  I LIVE to write.  If I didn't write, I would explode.  I really would.

Yes, I LOVE to read.  I HATE to write analytical essays.

Yes, I LOVE yearbook.  I am editor-in-chief of my high school's yearbook! Yearbook has literally been my life these past three years.  My high school experience=Yearbook.  I would have it no other way.

Person's assumption is valid, especially those who only know me as EIC of the yearbook.  I understand, but what I can't handle is the level of expectation in Person's voice when they talk to me about my plans.  It plunges me even deeper into my curled-up ball of uncertainty.  Well, if x amount of people assume I should be a journalist or English teacher, maybe they're right?  Maybe I am just kidding myself?  Maybe I should just do what is expected of me and ignore the voice in my head saying, I can't picture it.  I just can't.  Maybe I could at some point, but I can't anymore.  Maybe Person knows what's best for me...

There are times when Person asks me (and it will have been the fifth Person that day) that I give in.  I tell Person what they want to hear, because it's easier than exposing myself.

Well Person, the charade is over.  I'm going to own up to it now.  I have a clue, so bother way.

For those I have told this to already, I have gotten a great response.  Because, yeah, it makes sense, I promise!

1.  Conjuring outfits and sewing are two of my greatest joys.  Furthermore, everything I wear has to "make sense" for the given atmosphere.   If I end up in a situation where I feel like my outfit is out of place, I literally feel sick to my stomach.  (Don't get me wrong, I wear dresses to school almost every day.  I am a chronic over-dresser, but not intentionally.  I just have an old-fashioned idea about everyday clothes.)

2.  I am obsessed with film and theatre (and television).  Every time I saw a play, musical, or dance performance when I was younger, I would ride the incredible theatrical high that it gave me until I realized with a deep, devastating sadness that I would never be able to be a part of such a magical thing because A) I can't act  B) I can't sing  C) I can't dance or even move around remotely graceful (AKA be this girl).  When it hit me how much attention I was giving the costumes and how happy they made me, I started entertaining the idea of costume design (but never took it very seriously).  I realized how beautiful costumes are, in the way that they create an atmosphere unlike one that even an actor can create and became infatuated with the idea of creating characters with clothes.  I can not count the times that I've started dressing a different way because a film or television show has inspired my thinking. (Anything set in the twenties always hits me the hardest.)

3.  Everything has to have its place or "make sense" or I freak out a little.  A performance can be completely lovely, but if one costume looks like it's not from the right time period or if a character is wearing something that doesn't seem fit for them...  I can't handle it.  I just can't.

4.  I love history and fashion.  Researching different time periods' fashion sounds like a dream come true.  End of story.

5.  Because it's the only thing I can picture myself doing the rest of my life.  I am one of those people  who wants to lead a creative life.  This means I am open for different opportunities as they present themselves.  I embrace any sort of team effort or collaboration.  However, I can't picture myself doing anything like "working for a magazine" or "writing for a newspaper" the rest of my life.  I will write whatever career I choose.  No one will stop me.  (But a freelance writer/blogger?  Yes please!)  On a creative level, I want to be a part of something more hands on, that will be a part of something much bigger than myself.  I like the idea of being a catalyst to someone's bigger picture and collaborating with different mediums to create something magical.  It's as simple as that--I can just picture it so clearly.

Short answer:  I think it would be freaking awesome and be a ton of fun.  The end.