future talk and folk music

Tonight is one of those nights.  The kind where the future is at once terrifying and exciting; when my dreams seem too big and my bank account too small.  As my last year of college and the "future" comes hurling fast towards me much like an unwieldy basketball during elementary PE that I really don't feel like I'm capable of catching, but somehow can and must, even if it hits me in the gut and makes me cry a little...well, I start to freak out and make long sports metaphors even though I haven't played a sport in years.

It's one of those nights when even catching up on Mad Men seems daunting, much less preparing for the future.

It's one of those nights when no amount of googling will tell me how to achieve my obscure life goals.

It's one of those nights when moody folk music seems like the only anecdote to restless thoughts and a messy room (or should I say, messy thoughts and a restless room).

It's one of those nights when I feel like I must be taking things too seriously, or not seriously enough.

It's one of those nights when instead of getting answers, you get more questions, but maybe an episode of Gilmore Girls will make everything seem a bit more doable.

different questions for the same thing

(photo)

For months (or if I'm completely honest, subconciously for over a year) I've known I'm moving to Portland.  Within the past month, I've decided where. 

Well, just when you think you know something, another question pops up:  What are you going to study?  A close relative to Where are you going to school?, this question creates even more internal conflict and awkwardness (at least in my experience).

The short answer is, I have no freaking clue, so stop bothering me about it. 

The long answer is, I have no freaking clue, but I wish I did, because then I would love for you to keep bothering me about it so I could bore you with an extensive explaination for my decision and hope you asked more questions.  But nope, I have no freaking clue, so stop bothering me about it. 

The practical answer is, I have no freaking clue, but that's okay, because most college students change their majors every other day, so stop bothering me about it.

The honest answer is, I have a clue, but I am nervous about sharing it with you because I feel like you expect something different from me and it makes me want to curl up into a ball and hide from your questions, so stop bothering me about it.

Well, if you haven't already guessed, I am having some trouble telling people what it is I plan on getting into when I start college.  And when I am having trouble confronting something like this, I like to blog about it.  It's like on Glee when a character can't talk about something, they sing about it!  Seems crazy, but I am the same way...except with blogging.  Which is fortunate for you, because you would probably cry if you had to listen to me sing about my feelings. 

So here it goes... 

I want to major in Theatre Design, specifically costume design.

I know what you're thinking, because it's what everyone thinks, and it's the reason why I am so hesitant about admitting this to people who ask that blasted question, What are you going to study?

When people ask me what I am going to study, they go into the question like they already know the answer.  I know this from experience. 

Person:  What are you going to study?
Me:  I'm not sure yet.  Something creative!
Person:  You're going into journalism, right?
Me:  No...  I just... No...
Person:  Oh, so English?
Me:  No...  I like writing and reading, but I don't enjoy writing about what I've read... Which is what English majors do.  All the time.  So... No... Not happening...
Person:  Oh okay, so what are you going to study?
Me:  I have no idea, honestly!  Something creative... I don't... know.  (Curls up into a ball.)

I understand where Person is coming from, and have nothing against Person, (especially because Person is about every person I know or even half-way know) but I still loath the assumptions Person makes.

Yes, I LOVE to write.  I LIVE to write.  If I didn't write, I would explode.  I really would.

Yes, I LOVE to read.  I HATE to write analytical essays.

Yes, I LOVE yearbook.  I am editor-in-chief of my high school's yearbook! Yearbook has literally been my life these past three years.  My high school experience=Yearbook.  I would have it no other way.

Person's assumption is valid, especially those who only know me as EIC of the yearbook.  I understand, but what I can't handle is the level of expectation in Person's voice when they talk to me about my plans.  It plunges me even deeper into my curled-up ball of uncertainty.  Well, if x amount of people assume I should be a journalist or English teacher, maybe they're right?  Maybe I am just kidding myself?  Maybe I should just do what is expected of me and ignore the voice in my head saying, I can't picture it.  I just can't.  Maybe I could at some point, but I can't anymore.  Maybe Person knows what's best for me...

There are times when Person asks me (and it will have been the fifth Person that day) that I give in.  I tell Person what they want to hear, because it's easier than exposing myself.

Well Person, the charade is over.  I'm going to own up to it now.  I have a clue, so bother way.

For those I have told this to already, I have gotten a great response.  Because, yeah, it makes sense, I promise!

1.  Conjuring outfits and sewing are two of my greatest joys.  Furthermore, everything I wear has to "make sense" for the given atmosphere.   If I end up in a situation where I feel like my outfit is out of place, I literally feel sick to my stomach.  (Don't get me wrong, I wear dresses to school almost every day.  I am a chronic over-dresser, but not intentionally.  I just have an old-fashioned idea about everyday clothes.)

2.  I am obsessed with film and theatre (and television).  Every time I saw a play, musical, or dance performance when I was younger, I would ride the incredible theatrical high that it gave me until I realized with a deep, devastating sadness that I would never be able to be a part of such a magical thing because A) I can't act  B) I can't sing  C) I can't dance or even move around remotely graceful (AKA be this girl).  When it hit me how much attention I was giving the costumes and how happy they made me, I started entertaining the idea of costume design (but never took it very seriously).  I realized how beautiful costumes are, in the way that they create an atmosphere unlike one that even an actor can create and became infatuated with the idea of creating characters with clothes.  I can not count the times that I've started dressing a different way because a film or television show has inspired my thinking. (Anything set in the twenties always hits me the hardest.)

3.  Everything has to have its place or "make sense" or I freak out a little.  A performance can be completely lovely, but if one costume looks like it's not from the right time period or if a character is wearing something that doesn't seem fit for them...  I can't handle it.  I just can't.

4.  I love history and fashion.  Researching different time periods' fashion sounds like a dream come true.  End of story.

5.  Because it's the only thing I can picture myself doing the rest of my life.  I am one of those people  who wants to lead a creative life.  This means I am open for different opportunities as they present themselves.  I embrace any sort of team effort or collaboration.  However, I can't picture myself doing anything like "working for a magazine" or "writing for a newspaper" the rest of my life.  I will write whatever career I choose.  No one will stop me.  (But a freelance writer/blogger?  Yes please!)  On a creative level, I want to be a part of something more hands on, that will be a part of something much bigger than myself.  I like the idea of being a catalyst to someone's bigger picture and collaborating with different mediums to create something magical.  It's as simple as that--I can just picture it so clearly.

Short answer:  I think it would be freaking awesome and be a ton of fun.  The end.

quick trip

When we arrived in Portland Friday night, my mom, grandma, and I headed straight to dinner at the wonderfully delicious and lovely Screen Door.  The burger I had was one of the best I've ever had...and I take burgers pretty seriously; I won't eat one just for the sake of eating one.  It has to be GOOD.  I've been holding out for a while and this one didn't disappoint.  Also, I got to have me some grits!  I LOVE Southern food more than I love a lot of things.  True fact.  Also, I tried the catfish and mac and cheese.  YUM!  Loved this place. (Thanks for the suggestion, Erin.)

The next morning we headed (thankfully without fog like the night before) to Lewis & Clark for their "Admitted Students Day."  It was love at first sight.  Or perhaps you could say lust, because I was so enamored by its beauty.

After checking in, we walked into the chapel for the introduction talk.  An a Capella group was singing!  I immediately thought of the Warblers and couldn't help but smile.  When they announced that there were four groups on campus, I felt a relief--maybe I will be able to find someone to watch Glee with me...

When they started talking about the accomplishments of former and current LC students and the opportunities available, I started to become super stoked for next year. Yes, it was love.  Nerdy love.  (The best kind.)

The Frank Manor, which is the admissions office and president's office, was built in the 20's for 8 MILLION DOLLARS.  Can you even imagine how much that must have been back then?  The funny part is that Mr. Frank sold the estate to LC for $46,000 in the 40's just to spite Mrs. Frank after they got divorced.

When we went on the tour, my love grew even more.  Everything our tour guide said made me want to burst into a fit of giggles because it all fit me so perfectly.  I don't think I could have imagined a college more Kaylie than LC.

As a desert girl through and through, I was legitimately awed by the foliage.  Except, maybe dumbfounded would be a more appropriate word.  I literally picked up this flower to touch it to verify it was real.  I hadn't seen such plant life since my trip to Ireland a couple of summers ago!

Around every corner there was more green...It is as inescapable as 90 degree weather at any given time in AZ.  Speaking of weather... It did rain quite a lot when we arrived Friday.  The fog was incredible!  Props to my mom, who has as much experience with rain as any Arizonian, for driving us safely through it. Saturday was clear enough.  It didn't start sprinkling until around three, which was when we were getting ready to leave anyway.  All in all, I didn't feel freezing or anything.  That was promising.

LC is full of quirkiness.  We kept spotting random sculpted heads in bushes and behind trees.  Kind of creepy, but in a good way.  My favorite:  Some lady who gave money to LC insisted that every residence hall has a piano and that ice cream is always served in the dining hall.  Sure enough, I heard the piano being played in a couple of the halls we visited and ice cream was available at brunch (which had vegan scrambled "eggs" which were surprisingly delicious).

Umm...Giant clovers?!  Cue another OMG WHAT IS THIS GREEN STUFF moment.

All the classrooms had windows.  Some very large windows.  Maybe it's good it rains a lot, because I have a feeling that a clear day will be very distracting.

Some random guy was taking his giant dog out for a walk...and swim in the reflecting pool.  It was funny to watch!  I love dogs.

Just.  Look.  At. It.

All the moss...

All the huge trees...

I found my new home.

yearbook clue party

 The yearbook has been done for about two weeks.  What else is there to do but throw themed parties?

 Everyone dressed their snazziest.

 Instead of playing the board game, we were the game.  We rolled the dice...

 ...and went in that room to make a guess.

The "rooms" were the yearbook room, Mrs. Wrather's (our advisor) office, the Bull's Eye (snack shop on campus), back closet, annex, and front office, the "weapons" were a yearbook, pica ruler, camera, magazine, killer caption, and clever headline.  The "suspects"?  The editors. 

 Did I mention the "victim" was a flaky interviewee that never came in for their interview?

Yeah, that's how annoying that is. 

 The dice was fashioned out of our "Dice of Doom" for when people are late.  (If you are late to yearbook, expect to dance to the music of our choice or bring in delicious homemade treats.)

Everything turned out great!  I love the twenties, I love yearbook, and I love my yearbookers.  I am  getting seriously emotional about this year coming to an end because of how much love I have for this year's staff and book.  I was literally a wreck the day after we sent everything in.  It was like yearbook broke up with me.  Yet it was way worse than any breakup I've gone through, because in a way, I felt like my life was ending because yearbook is my life.  And when I realized that no, this is just one part of my life that is coming to close, I was even more devastated.  Because the only thing scarier than something ending is knowing that something you have no clue about is coming next.  High school is officially ending and yearbook has been my high school experience (and oh man, I'm starting to tear up again).  Believe me, I am as ready as the next person to graduate, but I am not so eager as to completely neglect the effect the last three years have been on me.  It's been (gaaaah tearssssss) so wonderful to be a part of something like yearbook.  So wonderfully fantastically fun and awesome.  Excuse me while I while I go bawl my eyes out.

On a lighter note, I have officially decided that if I had to have one genre of music incessantly playing in the background of my life, it would be jazz.

i just had the weirdest realization

I was about to click on "New Post" when I looked at my blog and realized that in roughly five months I will be blogging from a glorified box (my dorm) in Portland. 

I wish I could have caught the look I made on film.  I sort of opened my mouth half way, my eyes got wide, and I thought, OMG I AM GOING TO COLLEGE. Funny that my blog did this, and not the emails from the last two schools I applied to (I already got accepted to ASU and PSU earlier this school year) that I received yesterday afternoon.

Well, the results are in.  I got into Lewis & Clark College and got wait-listed at Reed College.


Lewis & Clark is more secluded than I would like, but it is so gorgeous (It's rated #2 for Most Beautiful Campus) I think I could get used to it.  Its small size (under 2,000) is ideal and its study abroad opportunities are awesome (which could be expected for a school named after explorers).  Also, they offer a Communication major, which is the definitely the direction I am heading now.  The setback:  $$$$

I hear back about financial aid in about a week.  Send good thoughts.

Honestly, I am honored to even get wait-listed at Reed.  It is also a small liberal arts college (1400 students), but it is considerably more rigorous (It's rated #2 for Students Study the Most with MIT taking first) and more selective.  They offer a Creative Writing major, which is something I've always wanted to pursue, but they don't offer a Communication major, which is troublesome.  Also $$$$.  And even if I do get accepted, I will have missed out on most of the money reserved for non-wait-listed students.  I'll live (and not have to study as much).

So now, I need to make a decision.  PSU or Lewis & Clark?  I can find good reasons for both, but in the end I would rather end up at a smaller school.  However, PSU is downtown (awesomeeee) and I already have a scholarship there.  Also, one of the main reasons I am moving to a new city is for the experience and living downtown in the midst of everything would amplify that.  But L&C would be a unique opportunity and I REALLY want to study abroad.  Let me rephrase that--I AM GOING TO study abroad.

Decisions, decisions.  I have one month to decide.

i think you are adorable

So, I have been totally fangirling all over the place with Darren Criss. It is probably unhealthy, but even my nine year old sister can't resist his charm, so I think that makes it more acceptable.  Alrthough it is kind of troubling how much I relate to this tumblr post:

"Darren Everett Criss. Setting unattainably high standards for men since 1987."

Because yeah, Darren--SO NOT FAIR!  How am I possibly going to find another you?

My PERFECT man?  Well...

The short version:

• Darren Criss

The long version:

• Good sense of humor
• Intelligent
• Open-minded
• Compassionate
• Dog-lover (Actually, animal-lover in general.)
• Musically-inclined (Who doesn't love musicians? I mean--let's get serious.)
• Dark curly hair (My weakness)
• SCRUFF (My other weakness)
• Silly goose (I am pretty silly, you guys.)
• Fun to be with
• Photographer (A blogging side-kick, anyone?)
• Can cook me delicious meals
• Will watch my favorite TV shows with me (and only make fun of me a little)
• MUST LOVE HARRY POTTER (Or no. Just no.)

Now, is this really so much to ask?  Probably.  But I know someone pretty close to this description is out there making a list that looks a little like this:

• Short (Who needs tall girls anyway...)
• Creative
• Can sew (Who doesn't love sewers?  I mean--let's get serious.)
• Compassionate about all living things
• Owns 500324 dresses
• Blogs (I love reading blogs!)
• Dark, curly hair (My weakness)
• SMALL FEET (My other weakness)
• Silly goose
• Can bake me delicious treats
• MUST LOVE HARRY POTTER (Or no.  Just no.)

In the meantime, I am regretting not buying a "I ♥ DC" shirt while I was in DC like four years ago, because now I could say it stands for Darren Criss.  Ah, regrets.

hi, i'm kaylie

(photo)

I'm 17 (almost 18).  How would I describe myself?

An old soul
stuck in a fourteen-year old's body
that acts like a fifties housewife.

I just read Emma's post about cute clothes and a clipping from Housekeeping Monthly in 1955 that she read in her English class.  I felt like I could dedicate a whole blogpost to my thoughts about it, so I jumped at the chance of a prompted post. 

To start off, the clothes are adorable.  I can tell they are from Anthro, and Anthro is roughly equivalent to Tiffany's when it comes to beating the "mean reds."  Well, Anthro, and the nearest antique store.  Breakfast at Anthro&thenearestantiquestore's... starring me, Kaylie.

Second, I have mixed feelings about the idea of the ideal wife presented in the "Good Wife's Guide."

The guidelines suggested I find very unrealistic.

I admit I do love
dresses and aprons
sewing and crafts
being a hostess
having things look nice
caring for others
baking and cooking
decorating
the idea of marriage
being ladylike
children

But there is one thing I never forget-- strong and fierce women fought for my suffrage and independence.  This doesn't mean a lot of us women don't enjoy feminine things like baking.  A lot of us do.  I know I sure do!  I also realize that being a wife and mother is enough for some women.  I personally want to have a career.  But you know what the wonderful thing is?  It's because of those women that we now have the choice to decide.

I may dress like a fifties house wife, but I am truly a feminist.  I want my relationship with my future husband to be balanced.  I want to feel intellectually and creatively equal with whoever I spend the rest of my life with.  I don't want a husband who will feel lost and helpless when I'm in England for a book signing!  I mean, come on, the man's got to know how to take care of himself.  I need an independent man.

Yes, I do want to marry a lovely gentleman and have lovely children and be lovely in general.  But before all that, I want to travel, finish college, start my career.  I want to know I can support myself before committing myself to another human being, much less a family.

I know of--and look forward to--the quirks and mishaps of being an imperfect wife, mother, and grandmother.  Because truly, that's what makes life so precious--finding someone to share your love, your laughter, and your Chinese takeout when yet another of your adventures in French cooking takes a wrong turn. 

To be truthful, these are the moments I can't wait for most.  I can't wait to make a home with someone and learn to love someone's imperfections and make 34234 mistakes while raising our well-dressed children.  I can't wait to be the mom who teaches her daughter to sew and her son to cook (because real men know how to cook). 

I know for a fact there will be days that I will not be happy to see my future husband.  And that's okay--I'm sure the feeling will probably be mutual.

welcome 2011

You are already fantastic.  I am so happy I got to spend New Years with my friends--I love them so much.  I am so excited for all of us!  2011 is a momentous year.  

This year, I have a LOT of resolutions, big and small.

LIVE.  This is the second half of my SENIOR YEAR we're talking about.  I'm going to be doing that thing where I GRADUATE.  Then I am going to do that little thing called MOVING OUT and GOING TO COLLEGE.  I will be living in a new city (Portland) with new people and new experiences.  This is no time not to strike up conversation with some random person or try something new.  No excuses.  It's time to live live live LIVE.  And please, don't be shy.


EAT.  I baked more than I have ever baked in my life in 2010; now it's time to get better at cooking too!  I am the biggest foodie, so I also can't wait to discover all the restaurants and food carts in Portland. As hard as it is (I love food so much!) I do hope to become less carnivorous.  This will become a lot easier when I move out, but for now I will live more strictly by my "only eat meat when it's for dinner" meaning I never order meat when I am out to eat.  This is pretty easy to follow most of the time, but sometimes a burger is just necessary and sushi is my ultimate weakness (I can't give that one up).  I will try harder though, because I really do feel like I eat better when I do.


CREATE.  I did pretty well not buying clothes during 2010 (although after Black Friday I will admit I broke down a bit--hence the $5 black sequin pencil skirt I mentioned the other day--it seemed necessary for New Years...), so I will continue to honor this resolution to an extent.  After all, I do need to stock up on cold weather clothes!  I do find great pleasure in being self-reliant, so I will continue to only buy clothing I couldn't possibly make on my own (yet).


A few more:

• Get 8 hours of sleep every night
• Don't compare myself to others
• Only check Facebook/email/tumblr/blog once a day (no, really!)
• Watch more movies, read more books, see more concerts, visit more places, make more friends
• Be helpful, charitable, and kind
• Study more (this won't be a problem if I get into Reed...)
• Simplify
• Avoid multi-tasking too much (Be like Audrey: "When she reads, she reads; when she fits, she fits; when she talks clothes, she talks clothes, when she sits under a drier, she simply dries."
• Think positively (Avoid thinking in negatives and phrases like "I wish" or "I hope."  Example: "This year is going to rock!" instead of "I hope this year rocks!")
• Be awesome
• Be the person I want to be

The year is already sweet--I am currently blogging on the couch with Izzy beside me and I put on Marie Antoinette while I do laundry.  Life is good.  

wait a second

Did I really just go to a bridal shower for one of my own friends? 
Are two of my best friends really celebrating their 4 year anniversary next week?
(I feel so old...and single.  I thought that wasn't supposed to happen yet?!)
Am I actually graduating this May?
And don't tell me I am going to be living on my own in less than a year....?!

What?  Wait-- No.  This can't be happening to me, Kaylie.

...Yet, it is. 

Oh Life. You are so crazy, but oh so lovable. 

today i am thankful for...knowing/not knowing

It's senior year.  There's one thing all of us really don't want to talk about, yet at the same time desperately do want to talk about...all the time.  The first thing out of our lips when there's one mention of next year or anything remotely related to higher education is..."Do you know where you're going?"  It's a question you dread, yet at the same time secretly love to hear.  What's more thrilling than the unknown, after all?  Thankfully I do know where I am going, but I'm just as clueless about what I'm going to do with myself as anyone is...  Come on, how exciting is that?

just so we're clear

...this is what my future looks like. Okay? Okay.

stevens fever

Full disclosure:  Dahlya and I are obsessed with this man:

Can you blame us?

We just had a conversation that went a little like this:

Me: (after watching this) Hottieee.  WHY IS HE TWICE OUR AGE?!?!

Dahlya: WHY ISN'T HE MARRIED TO US?!

Me: Life is cruel.  At least I get to hear his voice every time my phone rings...because he calls me all the time.

Dahlya: I feel like I should rename everyone in my contacts "Sufjan" so that when I look at who's calling it will always be him.

Me: I don't know how I'm ever going to find someone to fill the hole Sufjan has left in my heart.

Dahlya: "Dear Sufjan, We both have unusual names, hippie parents, play the banjo, and own a yellow visor.  Please marry me?"  That is my proposal to him.

Me: Man, we are crazy fangirls.  I think we have Stevens Fever.

Dahlya:  YES! WE DO!

Me:  But sooo much more acceptable.

Let's face it--we both frequently wear hats, can knit (I just googled "sufjan stevens knitting" to verify this and read that he taught knitting to the blind in his spare time.  Are there no limits to the love I can have for this man?), and have brown hair... We are obviously made for eachother.  Now please half your age and fall in love with me.  Cool, thanks!

today i am thankful for...nylon

...especially when it features a 6 page spread on Portland.  I can't wait to move there next fall!

note to self: must find husband willing to make quirky short films with me

Postcards From Italy from ForYouLoveMe on Vimeo.

Love.

kaylie the girl with a hat on

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

Lately I have been questioning EVERTHING.  Not to mention kind of freaking out about getting into the school I want to, how on earth I would even pay for it if I did, and if I'm really cut out for the real world.  So I thought it would be nice to sit back and remember some of my favorite quotes.  And remember...you know, I'm just Kaylie, the girl with a hat on.  (BTW:  Best.  Short film.  Ever.)

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.  -Buddha

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”  -e.e. cummings

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

serious life goals for this fall (kind of)

This is what I want to accomplish this fall.

That, and getting all my applications done and dusted.

flagstaff

Yesterday I took a trip up to Flagstaff with some family to see if I could picture myself living there for school (NAU). I hadn't been there since I was little, so it was great fun to explore and escape the 100 degree weather for a day!

We got lunch at Beaver Street Brewery, then headed downtown to look at the shops.  It certainly had all the Kaylieisms that I find necessary--like a record store, an awesome cooking store with good tea and chocolate, a vintage shop (hats!), a quaint bookstore, an old Orpheum theatre, and kitschy Route 66 memorabilia.  I fell in love with the soda shop on the corner of Birch Ave. that played old jazzy tunes and carried bottled soda and old-fashioned candies.  In fact, all the shops played good music.  I am a sucker for this kind of thing.  At another shop I even found the best painting ever of a dog in a suit.  It was pretty hard to walk away from, no joke. 

After driving around the campus, we found Aunt Maude's Antique Mall (see me above in my dream kitchen)and I found a few zippers for cheap.  Antique places are the best for sewing finds!  Across the street was the Salvation Army.  And guess what.  I FOUND BOOTS THAT FIT ME!  It was a miracle.  Now, I've had a thing for cowboys for a while and my love of the West keeps on growing, but now I feel it's a done deal.  I want to wear these things everywhere!  Except...it's 110 degrees and I can't walk in them yet.  OH WELL.  This Fall will be THE best with these boots.  Just sayin'.

Consensus:  Of the three college towns (Tempe/ASU, Tuscon/UofA, Flagstaff/NAU), Flag would most likely fit my personality best and actually allow me to experience the four seasons (here, fall doesn't come until winter, and summer comes in spring), but academically, ASU (Journalism) and UofA (Creative Writing) make more sense.  It's so confusing.  And money makes it worse.  I'll probably end up staying here and going to ASU to save money, so when I study abroad (I will regret it forever if I don't) it won't hit AS hard, but I'm trying to keep my options open. 

Gee whiz, it is SUPPOSED to be summer.  I wish I could erase 'college' and 'future' from my vocabulary, because it's all I seem to think or talk about.  If you have any words of wisdom, feel free to impose them on my poor soul.

I want to be you, Sofia Coppola

And not because you are married to the lead singer of Phoenix (although it doesn't hurt) and live in Paris.  Okay.  Maybe because you live in Paris.  But the thing is, I am going through this crazy, loony phase.  And I wish I could say with confidence that I know that this is what I want to do with my life (I'll get to that), but my practicality gets ahold of my this far-out dream and holds a firm grip.

So, I've always known (I can say this, because since Kindergarten I've wanted "to be an author") that whatever I end up doing with myself will include writing of some manner.  And the past few years I've become increasingly more interested in taking pictures, so I've come to the consensus that I will end up making that a habit at the least.

Now, thanks to my first (and second--the next night) viewing of Annie Hall this January (seems so far when you think of all the movies I've watched since), it seems that I have become more of a cinephile than I ever thought imaginable.  I mean, I thought I liked movies before.  Now I'm going loony bins!  I am going completely loony bins.  What have you done to me, Woody Allen?

Because now I have this lunatic, crazy, completely insane desire to be a director.  Not just a run-of-the-mill director, the Wes Anderson kind--you know, basically do everything, from production, writing, directing, music selection, and cinematography...The whole crazy, insane business.  Heck, why not sew up the whole wardrobe?

Clearly, I AM OUT OF MY MIND.  But this is what I daydream about these days.  In my sleep-deprived mind late at night after watching movie after movie for the third night in a row, making films seems like the answer to my love of writing, photography, creating a story with color and design, and of course, there's no escaping it--having things my way.  I'll try to settle down about it, but it's taking over my thoughts these days.

When people ask me what I want to be, I usually just say, "happy"; now I'm beginning to realize that to be happy, is to be who you want to be.  And who do I want to be?  Well, I know the title says Sofia Coppola, but what I really want to be is SO MANY THINGS.  It's slightly ridiculous.

Ah, to be a teenager.  We really are crazy, aren't we?

i want to be where your heart is home

Every once in a while I find myself on The Selby, scoping out the awesome homes.  This would be my ideal formula for my future home:

     this whole wood fireplace, nature, dog situation
     482349823749823 books and records
 +   bright-colored knick knacks and artwork
-------------------------------------------------------
     Yes please

oh my goodness

Just because I took the PSAT, College Board sends me 2489329847 college brochures everyday.  95% of them I am not even remotely interested in, so I mourn the death of so many trees as I dump them into our recycle bin.  The only ones I even pay attention to are the ones from West coast schools, because I can't picture myself going anywhere else.  In my mind, if I were to be far from home, I might as well be FAR--as in continents--from home.  I don't know why I think this way, but I do.  That's why ideally I want to stay in AZ for school and study abroad for at least a year in Europe.

So today I actually recieved a brochure that has made me go a little crazy.  Because this school isn't even in the US like the other five thousand brochures I have recieved--it's in Switzerland.  And oh my goodness.  It sounds like the best situation in the world.  I mean, travel is required?  C'mon! 

Things like this! I just can't handle them.  Because how do you make something so awesome actually happen in your own real life?  I don't know.  I don't know.  Don't you just hate that?